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My personal theology is not- so- simple: I am not a believer in gods as most people perceive them. They do not exist in the heavens above, nor in the bowels of Earth. Rather, we all make up that which the Hindus refer to as Brahma, which means, in essence (and I'm seriously condensing their mythos here) that which we perceive as "Reality" is merely a warped illusion.
I take this to mean that we are also our own gods and goddesses, and that we needn't look any further than ourselves and the natural world around us if we want to search for things holy and sacred. To paraphrase Zen monk Thich Nhat Hanh, "The Kingdom of God is not waiting for us when we die.... [It] is right here in the present moment." Obviously, this flies in the face of what ninety percent of the human race believes, which is fine with me. I am content to let people hold what are often shallow beliefs of how and why the world works, so long as they don't try ramming said beliefs down the proverbial throat (it's been tried, and it hasn't been appreciated).
I suppose the next question you'd like to ask is what I think our "purpose" on this here planet is. Guess what? There isn't one. As the Ancient known as Elisha puts it to David Marsh in "Daemoncatcher":
"Your purpose in life is no different than the beasts your race claims to have dominance over. You simply live to breed and eat and then you die and be eaten.... (Y)ou believe that there's something more to your lives than is really there..."Yet there are other times when I can't accept this. Or rather, when I don't want to. As I realized one October day during a brief meditation session, "The visions have fallen away, and now my greatest fears have been realized. All those I have loved are only illusions that I created for myself, and all lead to bitter disappointment when I realize that their true selves are completely different from what I want them to be. Nothing is real but the Void from which we have sprung, and which we go back into when we die."
Maybe I read too much Zen that month when I thought of that, but I needed to listen to "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd and the Indigo Girls' first album (for whatever reason) several times to get me out of the malaise that followed that peculiar revelation regardless. Perhaps I really am shallow and too chickenshit to fully deal with reality the way I am expected to, but much of the time I harbor a big secret: I'm not so sure that we are our own gods. If we truly are, then I have vast fears about the future of the human race, and I know that there will not be a Jesus or even an Elisha to try to save us from our own blind stupidity.
So Why Did I Become A Heathen?
This isn't easy to explain, so I'll just go way, way back and start from there. My paternal grandmother tried to raise me to be a Presbyterian when I lived with her. While that didn't take, she did teach me German before I was nine years old. That, coupled with the fact that my mother used to read to me from a collection of Norse myths when I visited her, left me curious about my Teutonic side of the family. I couldn't figure out why my ancestors went from worshipping gods like Thor and Freyja, only to become followers of a nameless, faceless God who asked a lot of people to kill other people for Him, who suddenly came up with a commandment that read "Thou shalt not kill." It just didn't make any sense then, and it still doesn't now.
By high school, I was an avowed atheist, but I believed there was a sacred power in nature-- or something like that. It wasn't until I researched my junior year in high school that I discovered Wicca and shamanism in the Boston Public Library-- and in my mother's numerous bookcases (we have never been a close family). I became a practitioner in the Celtic Craft for a few years, though it didn't seem to grab a full hold of me. I slipped away from that tradition by 1995, tired of contradictory resources that I read on the subject (revisionist history is as harmful as the chauvinist stuff). I attempted to become a good student of Zen Buddhism in 1995, but without any in- the- flesh teacher available, the best I could manage was basic meditation skills, as I had no idea how to approach the koans.
Enter, finally, the Internet. I spent hours on the computer, searching lots of religious sites: Buddhist, Sufi, Wicca, Unitarian Universalists, Quakers... and finally, Asatru. I'm not a dedicant in it, but I do follow the precepts and holy days. It's taken three years of research in this belief system for me to feel comfortable doing the rituals on a regular basis. I don't have any patron deities yet either, but I do feel close to Freyja and Thor at this time. I haven't completely given up my training in the Craft either; I still work with runes in magick and continue to perfect my subway train summoning skills. I still meditate in the Zen style, but now I don't have time to worry about koans. Now, at least, I feel I am as close to participating in the same religion as my ancestors as this modern day woman is going to get, which has enabled me to feel as though, spiritually, I have finally come "home." And no, for the record, I've never really been a High Priestess of an Underworld Goddess-- though I most certainly respect Her.
"What is the Difference Between Wicca and Asatru?" (and Other Questions Answered)
The Biography of A Less Esoteric Nature
Suggested Readings... (incomplete)
Rituals of the Dispossessed (incomplete)
